The Best Political Poll You’ll Ever See…

Based on the available survey data, I have to conclude that Britney Spears is a Republican and likes Bush. A boy can dream, can’t he?

The most interesting and possibly most accurate poll I’ve ever seen was released today on the ABC News website. The headline, which caught me totally by surprise, appears below:
‘Primetime Live’ Poll: More Republicans Satisfied With Sex Lives Than Democrats
I’m not making this up, I swear.
My first reaction to that headline was, “Well, DUUUHHHHHHHH!!!” Once I stopped celebrating like my guy had just won the Presidential election, I then sat down and read the…um…well…internals. No, really…that’s what the “guts” of polling data are called! I’m serious!
So, ABC commissions this poll and runs it through their news division as part of an hour-long special edition of their Primetime Live news magazine program. The special titled, “American Sex Lives 2004,” will air live on the ABC Television Network on Thursday, October 21, at 10:00pm EDT. This special claims to have asked such “provocative” questions as “how many Americans describe themselves as sexually traditional or adventurous?”, “How often are Americans having sex?” and “What are the sex habits of cheaters?”
I think I can nail that down without having surveyed anyone myself. There will be at least as many “traditional” respondents as there are “adventurous” ones. Americans are having sex at least as often as any other nationality, except if they’re married. The sex habits of cheaters? THEY SLEEP WITH PEOPLE THEY’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO!! HELLO!??!!?
We need some kind of “provocative” survey for THAT?!?! Anyway…back to the numbers…
Of those involved in a committed relationship, who is very satisfied with their relationship?
Republicans 87%
Democrats 76%
Yep. Eleven points. I only wish that the President’s lead was that significant. Alas, I’ll take these victories where I can get them. But wait…there’s more:
Who is very satisfied with their sex life?
Republicans 56%
Democrats 47%
Not just satisfied—very satisfied. Nine point difference there. Hell, the Dems couldn’t even get that number up to fifty percent! Perhaps I should have worded that last sentence differently. No matter…let’s press on, shall we? To me, the most obvious and telling statistic is next.
Have you ever faked an orgasm?
Republicans 26%
Democrats 33%
I mean, we’re all adults for the most part here, right? These are things we should be able to talk about openly as mature and responsible members of society. Women say they never do and guys know that the odds say that at they’ve all done it at least once–statistically speaking. When it comes to “faking it,” the Democrats have a clear edge with one out of three admitting they have at least once.
It is not known, however, how many times Hillary Clinton responded to that particular question.
So, what are we to gather from this survey? Well, based on the numbers, I’d say there’s a clear mandate for saying Republicans are just better in bed.
I’m serious. Hell, I know tons of dozens of a bunch of women who’d be willing to support my claims and back me up on this. Republicans must be better in the sack. People who say that Republicans aren’t caring or aren’t interested in anyone but themselves clearly hasn’t read this poll or dated very many GOP faithful. Hell, the only thing stopping us from being like Hugh Hefner is the enormous amount of money he’s got—oh, and the fact he’s a raging Liberal.
I think it also explains why Republicans are so laid back and Democrats are so wound up and full of hate. Looks like if you registered as an Independent, you’re screwed.
…or…well…maybe not. Maybe that’s the problem?
In this homestretch to the election, take heart my fellow Republicans. We’re clearly doing some good work out there and people clearly appreciate it. I suppose it also means that if we’re lucky enough to win on November 2, the celebration will be pretty good, huh?
I suppose it also means that the burden of converting others to our cause now rests squarely on our shoulders. The first three people I’m visiting are Britney, Christina and Shakira. Someone’s got to try to show them how great Bush is and that someone might as well be your faithful and trusted ConBlogger.
I only wish that the party would adopt the slogan “Vote Republican and Have a Better Sex Life.” I mean…it’s true.
You’ll only get this kind of insightful commentary here, friends. (Oh, and ladies…if you’re looking for a good Republican, all you need to do is send some Feedback and say “hi.” The ConBlogger will take care of the rest.)
Damn…where are my Barry White albums at?
William Smith
ConservativeBlogger.com